At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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