I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
