The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
