look no pants
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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