The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
