I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Who died my cat blue again?
I deserve this hangover.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
