Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
