Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby