I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you mean i was at the winter classic?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?