Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
