Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
