i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
