so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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