Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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