Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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