I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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