found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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