threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
