As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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