The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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