He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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