Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
