my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
