It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
