I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
