you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
