Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
