You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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