that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
