A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
