Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish they made helmets for livers.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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