I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
