This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
