I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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