she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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