walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
