I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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