Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
