I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
