so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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