Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
