So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
