do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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