I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Damn victory sex feels great
wow bdsm is so cute
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
