I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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