I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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