so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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