I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
