His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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