my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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