My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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