So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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