Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
