It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
