During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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