Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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