Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
