highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
