Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize