I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
