I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
